Good conversations are a bit like daydreams.
They flow naturally from one thought to another...
...and they make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
For Jesse Warren, his daydreams were fine, but it was in speaking situations where his problems began.
From Socially Inept Youth to Stand-Up Comedian
After a youth spent “playing video games and not talking to people”, Jesse Warren describes himself as socially inept when he started his career in tech.
One day at work his boss asked him to start giving presentations.
Unprepared for this new responsibility and painfully nervous, he did the only thing a sane person would do in this situation:
Start going to comedy improvisation classes.
Cut to a few years later and Jesse’s training has prepared him to deal with all sorts of uncomfortable situations in all areas of his life.
The next logical step was to enter a YouTube speed dating competition. (Obviously!)
Before filming began, Jesse noticed something that would give him a competitive advantage during the show.
In old episodes, people would often ask standard questions like “Where are you from?”,
“What do you do?”, etc.
There was nothing wrong with those questions, but they weren’t how Jesse naturally talked on first dates.
Other people would come with a pre-planned ‘different’ question.
Would you rather A or B?
If you were an animal, what animal would you be?
Etc.
“But to me that’s clearly so preconceived, and so when I get a question like that I’m like ‘How many people has he asked this question to?’ “
Instead, Jesse went in with no pre-prepared questions.
But he knew he had to talk. He had to ask questions. So he did what his training prepared him for…”I just trusted that I will have something particularly pertinent to that context.”
The ten male and ten female contestants waited in two different rooms before going in front of the cameras. On a table there was a bowl containing different treats. So Jesse’s first question to his date was “What treat did you choose?”
Jesse and his date immediately got into an opinionated, but fun debate about cashew nuts.
“I might not have learned what that person does for a living, but hearing the way they talk about their preferred snacks told me way more about that person.”
He won the competition by the way.
Listening for Clues
As Leil Lowndes puts it in her book Hot To Talk To Anyone
“When talking with anyone, keep your ears open and, like a good detective, listen for clues.”
One day a friend of Leil’s, Nancy, was trying to talk to an old lady where she worked called Mrs Otis. Mrs Otis was often uncommunicative and irritable with people.
Nancy opened the conversation by mentioning the terrible storms they were having. Before she could finish, Mrs Otis interrupted with a short and dry “It has been good for the plants.”
Leil’s suggestion to Nancy was to ask Mrs Otis if she liked plants.
The next day Nancy was flabbergasted.
This time Mrs Otis would not stop talking!
By mentioning the word ‘plants’, Mrs Otis had given Nancy a subconscious clue that she wanted to talk about them.
Leil continues:
“Suppose, for example, that instead of responding to Nancy’s question with ‘It’s good for the plants,’ Mrs Otis had said ‘Because of the rain my dog couldn’t go out.’ Nancy could then ask about her dog. Or suppose she grumbled, "It's bad for my arthritis.’ Can you guess what old Mrs Otis wants to talk about now?”
Conclusion
In the many years I’ve been teaching English I’ve had thousands of hours of conversation with learners.
We have tried lots of different things, like pre-prepared questions and pre-prepared topics, but as Jesse and Nancy’s experiences suggest, the conversations were always 100 times better when unplanned and spontaneous.
We ask better questions and build better connections with people when we are responsive to the situation and truly listen to each other.
The funny thing is that by REALLY listening to people and inviting them to talk about topics they are passionate about, they also become more interested in you.
So the next time you have a conversation in English, keep these two simple tips in mind:
Listen, don’t Plan
Instead of thinking about what you are going to say next, LISTEN to your conversation partner and let your comments and questions arise spontaneously.
The ‘Parrot Technique’
If nothing ‘arises spontaneously’ and you don’t know what to say, just repeat the last couple of words the other person says with a question intonation. It’s surprising how well this one works.
Try these tips for yourself and let me know how you get on.
